Robert Schmidt 11

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were misEnglishspelled, how would we know?

Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?

I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...

I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.