Texas Jokes

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

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Tall Tales

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

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A short story...

If a cowboy rode into town on Friday and left three days later on Friday. How the heck did it happen?

Answer: The horse's name is Friday

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Dumb Texas Laws

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Abilene

It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin

Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont

Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger

It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Clarendon

It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

Dallas

It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.

El Paso

Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."

Houston

Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Galveston

It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.

Jasper

Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.

LeFors

It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

Lubbock County

It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.

Mesquite

It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur

Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson

It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.

It is illegal to do "U Turns".

San Antonio

It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple

No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

You can ride your horse in the saloon.

Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.

Texarkana

Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

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Ingin' Runnin'

There was this Texas cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both him and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of wiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.

He grabed this young indian who just happened to be walking by and told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it awake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed.

After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. As the hours past a cowboy entered the front door of the sallon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front.

The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do so what about it?"

Well replied the cowboy you left your INGIN' RUNNIN'.....

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Say Partner

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."